Pimento Cheese and Croakies
Augusta National as ACC figures, because subtlety took a cruise this week
Sorry to be tardy with posting this week. As you’ve likely heard, it’s Master’s Week, which to me means the following things:
Extended (and welcome) Jim Nantz exposure.
Light wagering on men I couldn’t pick out of a lineup to win a green jacket (my choices are usually cut before the weekend).
A Saturday afternoon nap the likes of which I will spend the next 51 weeks trying (and failing) to replicate.
The Chris Vernon Master’s Updates. He’s been doing these for a number of years now and while they’re always appointment viewing, this from 2020 is my pick for champion of the medium.
“Yo he fought in World War II!” was probably my favorite.
Prolonged beautiful shots of Augusta National.
For production quality, few sporting events rival the Masters. The British Open, especially at St. Andrews, has its moments. But Augusta was basically built for TV and hosting the camera crews for 60-plus years gives CBS the opportunity to continually explore new things in the space.
It also helps that it’s gorgeous. Anyway, this is about basketball. I promise.
Augusta does holes differently than most courses. In addition to No. 1, No. 2, etc., each hole gets a name and a description to match. These are delightfully twee and WASPy in many respects, as you’ll see for yourself.
But it was the descriptions that also made me realize we could name these holes after ACC basketball luminaries. I am not a crackpot.
Why the ACC? Proximity, sure, but also the ACC holds itself in a similar regard in the college basketball universe to the way Augusta National regards itself as a bastion of golf. They are the blue bloods; they are the tastemakers. They also have some relatives they’d rather not talk about right now (Louisville, Phil Mickelson). The SEC occupies this same geographical territory, but the SEC is much more likely to lean into its hillbilly bonafides than the ACC, which is why Starkville remains superior to Winston-Salem until further notice.
18 holes. 18 entities in and around the ACC.
Hole No. 1 - Tea Olive
Augusta Says: The first is a slight dogleg right that plays uphill. Drives to the left may catch the trees. The hole requires a precise second shot to an undulating green. A poorly struck approach may result in a difficult two-putt.
I Say: “Drives to the left may catch the trees” has probably been on every Duke scouting report since Shavlik Randolph left town.
Hole No. 2 - Pink Dogwood
Augusta Says: No. 2 is a dogleg left which may be reachable in two. Large, deep greenside bunkers demand special attention on the second shot.
I Say: A deep hole that demands special attention? I wish Caleb Love hadn’t already transferred but R.J. Davis will do in a pinch.
Hole No. 3 - Flowering Peach
Augusta Says: A classic short par four. Golfers attempt to hit short of the four fairway bunkers, resulting in a full shot to the green, where it is better to be long than short. The putting surface slopes right to left, with a thin neck on the left side guarded by a bunker.
I Say: Short fours could have been a euphemism for Miami this year.