How I hope the boys are spending their NIL money
Summer is a time for excess. Please excess-ize.
I have no idea what anyone is making on Name, Image and Likeness Deals. Every number you might find out in the world trying to determine an average has little to do with the standard Division I athlete and likely fitting criteria designed to burgeon whatever narrative it needs to shine up.
So numbers are stupid, is the starting point. I don’t know what the average is or how many are making the real money that befits their talents or station. I’ve seen numbers saying the average runs from $1,000 to $10,000 yearly, or that the average individual payment is $53. The next person who tells you NIL is ruining college sports should be treated with exactly the respect they deserve, which is none at all.
So on the menial stipend that they’re likely getting, what are our tall lads going to spend this money on? Nothing glamorous. Nothing extravagant. Nothing that might make their lives or the lives of their families for generations to come demonstrably better, at least not on average. Just… nice shit. Our tall lads deserve nice shit.
The PS5 2K23 bundle — $650, give or take
Step Into Sprig Bath Bombs Essentials Pack — $48
The soul of a local underemployed chimney sweep — Market price (depends on region)
Beats Fit Pro — $200
Jade leopard swim trunks from Bather — $100
A three-month local billboard that just says “What’s good?” — roughly $1200 depending on location
Huckberry’s denim bath bundle — $156
A bidet — As low as $69, which feels a little too cheap for a device that shoots water up your keister.
A local alderman — Price negotiable
A personal theragun — $199
Monogrammed robe from SoHo Home — $155
Drone footage from Libya — $450 (call the CIA, ask for Johan, tell them we sent you)
Wow, what an impressive and altogether weird Amazon cart you seem to have, is this approaching a point?
First of all, inner monologue—I love myself too much to spend that little on a bidet, if I were so inclined. Second, I want to illustrate that anyone wringing hands over the amount of money being discussed and moved around is, on average, completely and utterly insane.
I want everyone to get paid. I think that’s very important, which I realize is hardly a brave stance to take. Also, I know what G-Leaguers make… it’s not much, and it’s a pittance so small that any dreams of making the NBA sometimes fall by the wayside in the name of heading to Europe, making real money and being able to support themselves and anyone relying on them. If the NBA is going to use college hoops as a feeder league—and history says that’s pretty much always going to be the case—then the best we can really hope for is that some of the players on the fringes of success here can make bank as local heroes wherever they happen to matriculate during college.
But the money usually isn’t at that level, and in lieu of making a nest egg to live on during lean times before a hoped-for NBA dream is realized, I implore our tall fellas to do what young people have done best with the money they have since time began—spend it like it’s got an expiration date on it.