ChatGPT answers the biggest questions in College Basketball History, Part 1
Or at least the ones I asked it.
Lately, I’ve been toying around with ChatGPT.
I was hesitant to take the plunge, loathe as I am to trust machines (Mr. Weasley’s maxim holds true for literally everything: Don’t trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain). It’s not that I think that the machines are coming for the jobs of the creatives, although the world’s laziest and stupidest people seem to want that outcome because even a garbage product is a fine product if all it costs is your internet connection and a laptop and people will buy it anyway if it contains the word “Marvel” somewhere in the title (I paid $17 to watch Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and am admittedly part of the problem). It’s that I’m already bad enough at [broad gestures] that I didn’t think adding a lazy man’s way to do business was a smart or viable move for me. I like thinking up my own ideas. I like typing up my own words. These things give me comfort and satisfaction.
But I hate transcribing audio interviews, and that is a function AI is only too happy to provide. And so I began to dip my toe into our future. It’s a pretty dumb future that separates itself mostly by reaching many of the same conclusions people would reach more quickly but with less nuance if you’re looking for it to write a story for you—the people using this software for that are writing some of the most rote garbage imaginable, and it seems pretty obvious to me when someone is leaning a little too heavily on our future robot overlords for help.
But I started asking it questions about basketball, and ChatGPT proved to have some pretty firm opinions about some of college basketball’s most iconic moments, in a real Sliding Doors kind of way.
Here, now, are some of my most important findings. I had entirely too much fun doing this and will probably make it a semi-regular occurrence moving forward.
Scenario for ChatGPT: Steph Curry takes the final shot for Davidson against Kansas in the 2008 NCAA Tournament.
Situation: Kansas leads 59-57, and Davidson has possession after a Sherron Collins miss. Curry receives the ball near the top of the key as Kansas sends a double-team.
ChatGPT’s Prediction:
Curry's Quick Decision: Curry is no stranger to defensive attention, having faced double-teams throughout the tournament. He quickly reads the defense, using his exceptional ball-handling skills* to create a bit of separation. He considers passing out of the double-team but realizes the urgency of the situation and the clock winding down.
Shot Creation: With limited options, Curry uses a quick hesitation move to create just enough space for a shot attempt. His lightning-quick release allows him to get the shot off before the defenders fully close in on him. The shot goes up, and the arena holds its breath.
The Shot: The shot arcs high above the court, and as it descends toward the basket, it's clear that it's going to be a close call. The two defenders contest the shot with outstretched arms, hoping to disrupt Curry's shooting motion.
The Outcome: The ball rattles around the rim, and for a heart-stopping moment, it seems as though it might drop in. However, the ball bounces off the rim, grazing the edge of the backboard before falling away. The buzzer sounds, and Kansas secures the rebound.
Game Result: The final score remains 59-57 in favor of Kansas, and Davidson's valiant effort falls just short. The game ends in a heartbreaking defeat for Davidson, and Kansas advances in the tournament.
*- The biggest question about Curry coming out of Davidson was his handle; creating separation at that point in his career just seems unlikely.
Scenario for ChatGPT: What happens if Kenyon Martin is healthy for Cincinnati during 2000 NCAA Tournament?
Situation: The consensus National Player of the Year broke his leg three minutes into the Bearcats’ CUSA Tournament opener. But… what if he hadn’t?
ChatGPT’s Prediction:
Impact on Cincinnati's Performance: With Kenyon Martin healthy and in the lineup, Cincinnati's overall performance in the tournament undergoes a significant transformation. Martin is a dominant force on both ends of the court, known for his shot-blocking, rebounding, and scoring ability. His presence elevates Cincinnati's defense and gives them a reliable scoring option in the post.
Early Rounds: In the opening rounds of the tournament, Cincinnati showcases its defensive prowess and advances comfortably through the early matchups. Martin's shot-blocking alters opponents' shot selection, and his offensive contributions give Cincinnati an additional scoring dimension.
Matchups Against Strong Teams: As the tournament progresses and Cincinnati faces stronger opponents, Martin's impact becomes even more pronounced. His ability to guard the paint and disrupt opponents' offensive flow makes a crucial difference in close games.
Elite Eight and Beyond: With Martin leading the way, Cincinnati makes a deep run into the tournament. His experience and leadership on and off the court contribute to the team's cohesion and confidence. Cincinnati reaches the Final Four for the first time since 1992.
National Championship Game: In the championship game, Cincinnati faces Michigan State. Martin's defensive tenacity is on full display, and his scoring in the post keeps Cincinnati in the game. The championship game becomes a battle of attrition, with Martin's contributions instrumental in keeping Cincinnati competitive.
Championship Victory: In an intense and hard-fought contest, Cincinnati emerges as the national champions, clinching the title with a hard-earned victory. Martin's all-around performance (20 points, 12 rebounds, 5 blocked shots) in the championship game solidifies his status as a college basketball legend and the catalyst for Cincinnati's championship triumph.
Scenario for ChatGPT: What happens if John Wall chooses North Carolina over Kentucky?
Situation: A native of Raleigh, John Wall seemed like a good bet to be a Tar Heel before John Calipari swooped in… an abduction, according to Wall, aided by Tar Heel legend Tyler Hansbrough giving him the coldest of shoulders on his recruiting visit. While this seems very dumb and Hansbrough vigorously denies it, Hansbrough’s entire collegiate career was also a commitment to red-assery that at least makes Wall’s recollection of events possible. So what if Hansbrough just shakes his hand and says what’s up instead?
ChatGPT’s Prediction:
With John Wall as their point guard, North Carolina enjoys a dynamic offense with his exceptional playmaking skills, court vision, and explosive speed. His ability to break down defenses and create scoring opportunities for his teammates makes the Tar Heels a championship contender.
North Carolina likely enjoys a successful regular season, with Wall earning accolades for his impact on the team's success. His combination of scoring and distributing makes him a frontrunner for various individual awards.
The Tar Heels secure a high seed in the NCAA Tournament. Wall's leadership and on-court presence become invaluable as they advance through the tournament rounds.
In the NCAA Tournament, North Carolina faces tough matchups, but Wall's ability to take over games in clutch moments leads them to the Final Four.
In the Final Four, North Carolina faces Michigan State (ed. AI not a fan of Sparty). Wall's performance on the big stage (25 points, 8 assists, 6 rebounds, 2 steals) propels the Tar Heels to the championship game.
In the championship game, North Carolina meets archrival Duke, and Wall's leadership is put to the test. He delivers a standout performance (30-6-7 and 3 steals), guiding the Tar Heels to victory and securing the NCAA championship.
Scenario for ChatGPT: What happens if COVID-19 doesn’t lead to the cancellation of the 2020 NCAA Tournament?
Situation: I think you probably know.
ChatGPT’s Prediction:
Since this was a detailed ask on my part, I’ll break it out into top teams, top players, upsets and winner/MOP.
Teams:
Kansas Jayhawks: As the top-ranked team at the end of the regular season, Kansas would have been a strong contender for the championship. Led by players like Udoka Azubuike and Devon Dotson, Kansas was known for its balanced offense and strong defense.
Gonzaga Bulldogs: Gonzaga had a stellar season with a high-powered offense led by Filip Petrusev and Corey Kispert. They were projected as a top seed and had the potential to make a deep tournament run.
Baylor Bears: Baylor's tenacious defense and skilled roster made them a force to be reckoned with. Players like Jared Butler and MaCio Teague were key contributors to their success.
Players:
Obi Toppin (Dayton): Toppin was a breakout star, known for his athleticism and versatility. He was a potential (ed. Hmm?) National Player of the Year and a projected lottery pick in the NBA draft.
Udoka Azubuike (Kansas): Azubuike's size and interior presence made him one of the most dominant big men in college basketball. He was a crucial part of Kansas' success.
Devon Dotson (Kansas): Dotson's speed, scoring ability, and leadership made him one of the top guards in the country. He was a key playmaker for Kansas.
Upsets:
East Tennessee State (ETSU): defeats Penn State, who might have had difficulties defending against ETSU's three-point shooting and disruptive defense.
Stephen F. Austin: defeats Florida, using their disciplined offense and efficient play to catch their opponent off guard.
Northern Iowa: defeats West Virginia, exploiting their strong perimeter shooting to counter West Virginia's aggressive defense.
Champion and MOP
Kansas, as the top-ranked team and a strong contender throughout the season, emerges as the overall winner of the 2020 NCAA Tournament. Kansas had a well-balanced team with standout players like Azubuike and Dotson, and they had the potential to make a deep run. Azubuike, the dominant big man of the team, is a strong candidate for the Tournament Most Outstanding Player. His presence in the paint on both ends of the court, shot-blocking, and rebounding prowess could have a significant impact on Kansas' success in the tournament.
Machines, right? Just like the rest of us, content to pick Kansas as the likely champion, not because it’s fun but just because it’s inevitable.